Unrecognizable. It will be good for me ( as for you) to be free of him and the abuse! That being said a lot could have happened with you in two weeks and I would really be interested in hearing an update. To escape the grief and emotional torment of cognitive dissonance, you have to make a choice between what you want to be true and what you know to be true and using logic is one way to ensure your choice will be the right one. Blocked that number. He waited about 3 weeks to try again. And I wondered if others have dealt with this, too. They are real headfucks. Cognitive dissonance and narcissism are the two main touchstones. This is good information, but I wish there wasn’t so much emphasis on “narcissist” abuse nowadays because many of these things apply even if the abuser is not a narcissist per DSM criteria. The following video explains cognitive dissonance as it relates to narcissistic abuse and includes ideas and tips to help you with understanding what is happening to you as well as to make changes to get past the cognitive dissonance. If playback doesn't begin shortly, try restarting your device. Don’t listen to his messages!! I’m on my way back to me. The problem I am having now is that this recent election has triggered my symptoms. Asking myself everyday what did I do to deserve this…just loved them? I just wonder, now that the thought of being with him again disgusts me, if I should listen to any of the voice mails, because if they are threats, I want to have records of them. They shed so many tears, blame themselves for upsetting their abuser, and become responsible for their abusers feelings and behaviour. This is why he ramps it up, calling and leaving messages and then suddenly he goes silent. as it is the way of this world to profess an as-if wisdom Moments of cognitive dissonance can – and do – occur with everyone numerous times in a lifetime and every so often will actually result in our making important decisions that ultimately work in our best interest. I don’t know if he really has broken down, he said he feels raw and cant believe how awful he has been. Do you understand this? The voice mail was so sweet and sexy, saying how GOOD I looked and that it was so great seeing me again that morning, and maybe we could do lunch sometime. In other words, we are torn between believing what we want to believe about someone and accepting what we know to be the truth (as horrible as that might be). Because he actually CAN stand it that you don’t answer. He is not a good father, rather than love his children he abhors them (they take the mother’s attention away from him), so they are confined to the role of being another narcissistic supply source. Why do counselors. However with the real fear of a violent reprisal from her captor if she tried to leave, she will more likely choose to stay put. It’s been about 7 weeks since I snapped and forwarded the voice mail, but it appears that everything is fine in his little narc world. I am getting emails about how he loves me and is picturing me, (didn’t call the children to say good night last night, and I get told he had no cell reception), so I get this love email filled with oddities, which I can relate to your concept of all things illogical. We need to be able to get to the root of the problem, talk it out, work through the feelings and then move on. The partner finds themselves in a hopeless situation, broken, the only way out is for them to stay. The narcissist perceives themselves as being unique and uncommon. I’m currently working my way through the workbook, and I have to tell you, facing what I don’t want to face is so hard. When there is narcissistic injury, the terror monster is released, and all of the family is likely to encounter their rage. He left me a voice mail message that was clearly NOT for me. Anyway, thanks for listening. A narcissist switches between idealization and devaluing/discarding and these stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle aren’t consistent with each other. Last, don’t call yourself stupid. I just left him again about a month and a half ago. Thank you for this deep and valuable insight. I thought it was love at first sight when I had first met him and I thought he would be the man I would marry. It helps a lot. Big time. My desk faced a wall and there was a time in the afternoon when I would be working at my desk and no one else would be there. Mehr von Cognitive Dissonance & Narcissism auf Facebook anzeigen. Unfortunately, they too, like the rest of us, are susceptible to loneliness, which is why they are always on the lookout for “narcissistic supply” for attention. My family has been in the throws of this abuse for years. But no, we had such great sex he had to have loved me! Thank you for this article. It is time, right now, to begin to finally make the right choices…..for yourself, for your children, for your future, and for your sanity. Yes, he’s married. I have lost my judgment. Step by step the supposed closeness is disappearing, and the victim experiences this as a great loss (and fear), seeing this, the narcissist feels a sense of power and control. Then, when he happily senses your anxiety about his attitude, he’ll say “Well, you asked me to leave. Do these fuckers have classes, or a handbook, or are they taught by some hideous monster from hell exactly how to carry out their evil deeds as narcissists? I was very confident, socially graceful and was at my zenith as far as working out at the gym. We accept blame as the Narcissist conditions us to believe it is all our fault. in lying and deception and leading whoever opposes it into destruction and thus the psychopath is as the conscious use of deception and justification of such by way of its sense of its abilities to glorify self bu deception …. EVER. My husband of nearly twenty years has been an out right N, but I didnt realize it, and I have two psychology degree’s so cant explain how much im beating myself up right now. It is heart wrenching. He has started seeing a therapist. Cognitive dissonance is an abuse tactic utilised by the narcissistic abuser to confuse the victim of abuse. The concept of cognitive dissonance is almost self-explanatory by its title: ‘Cognitive’ is to do with thinking (or the mind); while ‘dissonance’ is concerned with inconsistencies or conflicts. It came at a great time. I can tell you that she most definitely had Stockholm Syndrome/ Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. Their “cognitive dissonance” is a sign of the disharmony the victim is experiencing as a result of two conflicting ideas going on at the same time; i.e. There’s been a tremendous amount of manipulation, gas lighting, and abuse reported on the news. The narcissist operates from a False Self, and becoming equal with anybody would only negate their notion of uniqueness, so they avoid that entirely. I dated and married a couple of them and just recently left another relationship with one. Gemma, These are all great questions, but it would take a book to answer them. My daughter is a shell. I had not seen the asshole. Thank you for this article. He has a codependent personality disorder that makes him paranoid. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. ), which were on a computer in the garage, that he might or might no be able to access. Look, I know it’s hard but deep down you know exactly what’s going on here. Or he would agree to go therapy like every month, even send ME lists of therapists to chose from but never go. Ähnliche Seiten. It has taken my whole life (66 years old now) to understand effects of growing up with narcissistic parents and older sister, and how it led me to toxic, abusive relationship that recently ended. If you do, I’ll send you my books…if you haven’t read them, you should. If the narcissist is a spouse, then the partner is going to have to invest heavily in their abuser until they are emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. I’m in a strange/disadvantageous situation at work, and like many men I expect obsess over it and bring it home. I told him to leave yesterday and he has, honoring my every wish. This is the first place that has explained things so clearly, I got such validation and understanding as to why I have done so many things, why I stuck it out for so long, why I went back to him so many times. Look it up, and talk to your therapist about it, it really does work. It also helped me feel a little more sane as I was seeing what I was seeing and feeling about this last guy. So he tried calling back about 3 times after that, and since then he’s been blowing up my phone with calls from different numbers and voice mails that I delete without listening. And how I remember the OVER 250 VOICE MESSAGES that I never listened to, deleting them periodically in big bunches one by one before I could hear his voice. He set things up for me and my children to fail and complicate our lives. I have been iin a relationship with a Narc for almost six years. resisting being conformed to this world After a couple of days I got a call from a number that showed up as the local grocery store that I use. He was and is a con artist and the cognitive dissonance he caused in me ‘being blind,’ was a handy tool. Passwort vergessen? Narcissistic Abuse Awareness and Guidance with Randi Fine. Every word in your books hits home with me. By most definitions, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort or torment a … (The feelings of rejection have been intolerable, waiting for any signs of real intimacy). (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships) - YouTube. Unfortunately until you partner with yourself and look after yourself, you’re never going to get what you want out of the guy. Sorry this post is long. He died still vengeful and vindictive, believing to the very end that he was entitled to do whatever he wanted to me (my mother and brother died more than twenty years ago). There are six types of investment the victim may get embroiled in that helps to reduce their cognitive dissonance:-. My wish for you is that he discards her for another, that is your opening to bring her out of the fog. We want to give him the benefit of the doubt or another chance and sometimes we just want to look the other way. The narcissist’s superiority will demand that they are the most important one in the relationship, and the victim (in time) will comply with that arrangement. The ones that I did hear or had to listen to for the first five seconds so that I would know it was him and delete them either began sweetly with the word “Please…” or they’d start with “Bitch…”. In order to survive, the victim has to find ways of reducing their cognitive dissonance, the strategies they employ may include; justifying things by lying to themselves if need be, regressing into infantile patterns, and bonding with their narcissistic captor. My daughter met him and proceeded to continue in a relationship that was so clearly dysfunctional. It’s as you said, we tend to forget the bad things when the relationship is over, but fortunately, I kept a journal of some to jog my memory just in case. Thank you. It definitely signified the abuse my dad caused against my mom and me and my brothers and sisters growing up. Where possible, the narcissist creates a complex financial situation where everybody is dependent on them, this keeps them in control. I would apologize Melanie. In the cognitive dissonance theory, the decision that decides which path the victim will take will be likely to be the path that causes the least emotional stress. Afraid of their own negative emotions, unconsciously, they promise themselves that they will never put themselves in that position again, and they avoid further narcissistic injury by holding everybody at bay, this includes their partner and children. This is what happens.” The intention will be to put you back in a tailspin so that you doubt yourself once again. the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously. I lived in a state of chronic cognitive dissonance. They are wanting to make their new girlfriend think that you are causing them the issues and they are wanting to mak When I said I had closure over his affairs (because I have been pleading for the truth for the whole marriage), he then said that he wanted to show me the pictures and emails from his last emotional affair, (he was besotted with her, he even brought her home to meet me when I was pregnant nice! I gave up a comfortable lifestyle and I am struggling financially. This happened to you, you did not ask for this type of treatment anymore than I or the next victim of abuse asked for it.. Myself and my children have been to hell and back with my parasitic narcisistic husband. I didn’t answer, but he left a voice mail. It hasn’t helped at all and GE still continues to lie to me, hide things, try to control me, and always tries to sexually use me when we aren’t getting along. The narcissist creates just enough plausible deniability to keep the cognitive dissonance alive. Once he told me that if I knew some of the things he had done, I would leave him. Oh yeah…I know that tactic. I’m currently in the situation but ha e one foot out the door…. The narcissist would have to be assessed by someone qualified, i.e a psychiatrist. Yes driving. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. It makes sense that trying to instill fear in me is just another of his bullying tactics. This article explains alot of the “why’s” and “how’s” of my childhood. Unknown to them, narcissists are still held ransom to their unresolved conflicts with their primary objects (parents). If you are like most victims of narcissistic abuse, you experienced a distorted sense of reality throughout the majority of the relationship with your partner. I spent 16 yrs with an abusive stepfather and for the last 15 years, i am actively triggered and slandered by a narcissitic abuser in my husbands family. Also, not always does narcissist abuse involve violence…but non-narcissist abuse may. Whatever may have failed, the narcissist will not accept any blame, for it would require them to be accountable for their actions and behavior. got the best of me. It’s from your heart and because you have suffered what I am suffering, and because you truly want to make our recovery from this living hell easier. Block his ass so that you can’t even receive a voice message from him if you wanted to. I cut my parents off for two years because my mother confronted him. I was working in a small, private nursing facility and had been there about 12 years. Still. He made our whole family’s lives hell and ultimately tried to do the same thing to me that he’d done to my mother.I apparently “ruined his life” because I disclosed his sexual abuse to my mother at age nineteen, and she had no way to leave and no way to support herself after having been out of the workforce for twenty years. This “new” employee would show up at the door behind my back and, with her arms folded in front of her, make an accusation against me. They go back and forth trying different things. The worst part was the attacks. We were stuck in the cognitive dissonance of loving a person that we know didn’t love us back. He texted, he looked at movies. I worked very hard and sacrificed a lot so that the residents of this facility would have what they needed and would be safe. Your email address will not be published. As you said, my situation is on every page, with basically only a minor detail or two changed. I don’t know what to do..he has me & my children Dependant on him financially..but is laid off now. You probably already have in the past. the victim knows that they should get out of the abusive situation, but they also know that to do so will put them (and possibly their children) in great danger. They even go so far as to convince themselves that their abuser is the victim of society, and therefore must be protected from everybody. I feel that people need to educate themselves better about narcissistic abuse and all the negative ramifications it causes innocent victims. This one and the triangulation – simply slapped some reality in my face I was so desperately looking for. I’ve been distracted by YouTube video personalities who want to focus on the reason I allowed myself to become involved with this narcissist and to stay for so long when I knew what I was dealing with. Lost in Cognitive Dissonance with a Narcissist! Do you want a peaceful life? But I am grateful to you and will forever be, because of all of the dozens of books I’ve read over the last five years, of all the websites I’ve visited, forums I’ve read, online groups I thought could help me…YOU have been the one who has been honest enough to get down to dealing with what needs to be done NOW to get past this anguish and deal with the pain of the loss and move on. Thanks for helping me understand. I recently fled a 31 year marriage to a narc. If your therapist is also an NLP Practitioner, that would be great. Lifestyle Investment: When the narcissist is successful, they will use a lifestyle as an investment. Little did we know! It will help me to know this evil exists, has a name, and to know the marks of the beast. Maybe I have been left a little “crazy.” I will need therapy to work on this and my co-dependency issues. My brothers and sisters and I struggle with my Mother’s mental illness but we each struggle so differently and I am always curious as to why. After reading this I now ”GET ME” and people like me, invested fully emotionally, financially and physically and now I actually get it….. But now that you are an adult you can find better ways that are less anxiety ridden to get you through difficult thoughts. I have a new book coming out shortly (New Year 2018), in that book WHEN SHAME BEGETS SHAME: How narcissists hurt and shame their victims – In that book some of those questions are answered. I am in the process of leaving ( divorce) I hope to God I do not get involved with another man like my husband. Nope, it was the N. Again he asked why I stabbed him in the back. Christine is a Psychotherapist, Educator, Author and Supervisor of mental health professionals for over 28 years. Without financial means and usually alienated, many victims are unaware of support resources they may be entitled to, they are trapped by the situation, finding themselves waiting and hoping for a better financial situation to develop so that they can make their exit and detachment easier. Spunky, The narcissist does this in order to incite jealousy and to keep the partner fighting for the relationship, trying to win the narcissist back, trying to feel some sense of adequacy. Buch. He absolutely can’t stand it. Mind boggling how much damage results. I worked, did the cleaning, housework and cooking. I have been with 2 sociopaths and u are absolutely correct. I won’t be listening to his voice mails. Can someone continue to have some form of Stockholm syndrome and cognitive dissonance but take the stance that they are aware that the abuse they received was not okay, and was also not their fault and appear as though they are healed from the situation, but those mental states are still playing a part in their decision making in their day to day life, it just looks different? This world is run by sociopaths and we the survivors can see this because we are aware of the evil in these people. Thank you for finally giving me the answers I have longed for. Yes, indeed, it was all fake. When these two strategies are in place, the victim firmly believes that their relationship is not only acceptable, but also vital for their survival. Chasing after toxic people. Cognitive Dissonance is a psychological term that describes the uncomfortable tension that victims experience when in a relationship with a narcissist; it is not something that happens in healthy relationships. I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for 9-10 months. Let me illustrate this concept with a hypothetically staged sit… My self esteem was battered. If you’d like to talk about it, girl, I’d be happy to help you through it. Thanks for your response. It was mortifying. He carried and used a magnifying glass AROUND me, but I KNOW he did not NEED it. The truth is that we THINK we are in control by not answering…we think we have the upper hand FINALLY by letting all the messages go to voice mail…but the truth is as long as he can get through on JUST THE CHANCE that one day you may listen to his venom filled messages, he wins. It’s no accident. He had me convinced I was the one with the issues, that I was crazy, that I needed medication. You may have to call your phone provider to do it but it’s well worth it. Unfortunately the habit only add to the anxiety, sometimes leading to panic attacks. He would tell me to ‘go take a pill’ if I got upset about anything. You deserve, above all else, to be happy and live a peaceful life. Did things get better? To be in a state of cognitive dissonance, is to hold conflicting beliefs about the narcissistic abuser. Consider booking some talk time with me so that we can hash this out. As you can imagine, these states of mind throw the victim into any number of inner conflicts where defense mechanisms are called for, cognitive dissonance being one. All rights reserved. Just as the narcissist is demanding of its spouse, as a parent they are also very demanding of their children, (remember that everything is about them). I am away from the narc for about a year (divorced him and fled). He is a special brand of narcissist. Furthermore, in order to support their seemingly irrational decisions to stay put in the abusive relationship, the victim makes heavy investments that almost cements them into the bad relationship forever. The gifts when I pull back. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. And add Alcholism and prescription drug abuse to the list of “tools” that the poor miserable Narc hostage uses to ease his wretched conscience for making the (wrong) choice to stay with this Monster of a “wife” and “mother”> (My parents). If they came first, they risk triggering the narcissist’s jealousy and envy; for the narcissist, envy always involves a comparison – they envy that which they lack. Our daughter is trapped in a partnership with a man who suffers from the diagnose of narcissistic personality disorder. My honest opinion about the crying and shaking and wanting you “to help him heal” and the “fantasizing”? Pretty quickly, I understood that her competence level was pretty low but she was hired because she was friends with another employee. UChicago Medicine. Simply speaking, cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person experiences whenever they are holding two conflicting ideas simultaneously (i.e. In their withdrawal state, the narcissist is going to lose their sense of specialness, power and omnipotence, this makes them very susceptible to narcissistic injury. How do they get out of living in this mental state, do they ever get out of living in that state? I’m not trying to make a political comment but does it make anyone else uncomfortable that this president-elect is more interested in his supply than in governing? A little late but, don’t apologize. I’ll never take her back again, my decision before trawling the internet and psychotherapy sessions to try and figure out what I’d done wrong, $2000 later (about £1200) which where not as good as this page, I was taking 2 steps forward, 1 step back and then 2 steps forward and 3 steps back……. Here’s the link to information about it…just give it some thought:), Stay strong and remember that YOU are not and never have been the problem. His wife controls his cell phone and home phone, so he could not call me from either. I’ve never done this to him before. But you need to be No Contact with the narcissist. that tho is of this world and at odds with the spirit world. For that reason they expect their children to be high achievers, the very best in everything that they do. A person – even one as good at lying as a narcissist – can not argue with logic. Like I think that I told you, at one point I had over 200 messages on my voicemail that I hadn’t listened to. I have a double major in psychology too. Copyright © 2021 ZBallard. Then there was the no sex, while he fantasized about his emotional relationships. If you are in this situation where cognitive dissonance becomes a regular part of your relationship, write down what he says. Emotional Investment: Unable to get out of the relationship due to the fear of what will happen to them, the victim decides that they should stay, and see it through to the bitter end. Jetzt nicht. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. And I have the random awful slap in the face realizations hit me sometimes, so that’s when I grab my phone and put a note in so I won’t forget to add it to the journal. While experiencing cognitive dissonance they may adopt a pattern of denial, diversion and defensiveness to control their discomfort. hurt me, he only validates or gives me attention when he see’s fit, validate, control concept of yours. This inner dialogue reduced her anxiety, allowing her to bond (Stockholm Syndrome) with her abuser, to the point that she will even protect him from the outside world if people attempt to rescue her or encourage her to leave. I was alienated from my friends and he had started disrespecting my family when they where in town visiting. Of course, I would turn around and say something to the effect of, “lets talk about this.” She would stare at me and shout “NO”. I am attempting to explain to my husband that it is necessary for me to apologize to the man in order for the man not to cut us out of her life which will further isolate our daughter. A narcissist can introduce themselves as a loving, kind-hearted and mature person. She keeps her secrets to protect him. Because they need to display their “specialness” to the world, they will want to display all of their wealth trophies (Narcissistic Supply): the big house, car, private school, business etc. So I yelled as much as I could while he kept saying, “oh man, I wish…” but he never got a word in. Often the victim finds themselves being put on an allowance to run the house, and the abuser closely monitors how it is spent. Do they live in a constant state of cognitive dissonance with themselves and what does that look like? Thank you, Zari, for your response. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. It is not as hard as you think to change your troublesome negative thinking, but you do need to learn a good “pattern interrupt” in order to change your state of mind… this is where your therapist should be able to help you. Thank you for the insightful article. For healthy relationships, tolerating intolerance is neither acceptable nor possible, but for the victim of narcissistic abuse it is vital for survival. Please read Melanie Tonia Evans’s blogs and if you can afford it, do her course. Unfortunately, in love with their own reflection, they are incapable of loving anybody else. , narcissist victims’ salvation … He eventually resorted to mocking me about it. Still have to deal with my parents though and wondering how to protect myself and my children. Isolated, dependent and dis-spirited, the way is paved for more acceptance of the abuser, and the victim stays in the relationship. These cookies do not store any personal information. The last few years of marriage, during the Obama presidency, I finally began to see the pattern of psychological abuse, such as gaslighting, that was taking place in my marriage. I guarantee that when he tires of kissing your ass about this, it’s going to happen in a split second, catching you off guard. It validates things I have been working through for about a year now. Stockholm Syndrome, Infantilism, Trauma Bonding). so they generally see you as being either with them or against them. I was raised by a narcissistic mother and enabling father. Narcissists are spectacularly skilled in causing cognitive dissonance. It seems, though, as if he goes through periods of almost manic calling and then suddenly it stops. I am a child of a narcissistic/ psychopathic stepfather and enabling codependent mother. Some days restraining myself due to this feeling that it will never end. During our relationship he would take any minor “infraction” and consider it justification for whaver “punishment” he wanted to dole out. Everyone thinks there is something wrong with me… no one can see what she does, I have been with this person for over 20 years… and feel so overwhelmed both financially and emotionally to make a change.. The therapist set up an appointment for him to be assessed with a psychiatrist, and it was confirmed that he was on the high spectrum of pathological narcissism. Sure, eventually I did leave, but I kept going back because I desperately missed the beginning and the amazing way he made me feel.